Failure Bread

Today was a bountiful day.  It was kind of eerie; as though some higher power had declared it Give V Free Shit Day, but no one had told me about it.  Anyway, let me allow you to vicariously share in my glory by providing you with this very random list of stuff I got today, unrequested and free.

A King James Bible:  Yeah, I was surprised too.  Usually, these things get thrown violently at my head, instead of appearing in pairs inside boxes of Aristospan, as though Noah had built a tiny cardboard ark and then gotten drunk and filled it only with New Testaments and medical supplies.*  Why did the lovely Aristospan people feel that a doctor named Strosberg needed, not just one, but a matching set of “Physician’s Life Reference” books?***  I don’t know.  All I know is, it was so silly I just had to be a part of it.  By stealing one.  Whatevs, don’t give that “Thou shalt not” crap, free Bible.

Ice Cream:  This was provided by the lovely people at Cymbalta.  Wanna know why prescriptions are so expensive?  Cuz drug reps give out pints of ice cream like condoms on Sex Ed day, that’s why!  So the next time you’re spending $75 dollars on fourteen measly little pills and dreading every single side effect, take comfort in the fact that at least I got a cold pint of Caramel Butter Pecan.  You’re welcome.

A Shiny Paperweight:  Thanks, My People!  I put it in front of some candles and it’s so sparkly I’m tempted to try Ecstacy just cuz I think it’d be fuckin’ rad to look at while wasted.

Pirate Fabric:  Presumably for the making of booty bags.

A Crab:  Technically, it’s Rob’s crab, but we are a nice couple and we always share our crabs.****

A Weed Poker:  No, not the dubious gardening product Billy Mays used to hawk. Apparently, a weed poker is a paperclip that has been bent into a shape that will allow you to scrape pot residue and ash from inside a pipe or bowl.  Further, a paperclip that has been bent into this shape can only function as a weed poker from that fateful day onward.  The one my sister found on the floor of my car was apparently “a pretty nice one; it has a handle and everything!”  So yeah.  Party in my backseat, bitches.*****

*That was probably one of his early attempts.  He was drunk pretty often, from what I hear.  FROM MY NEW BIBLE, NATCH!**

**Natch is my new favorite word, so much so that I consciously search for sentences in which I can spring it upon an unsuspecting public.

***The author is listed as ‘the world’s greatest physician.’  Catchy, ain’t it?

****See what I did there?

*****It’ll be like prom night, only with less vomit and fewer regrets.  And more weed.