Failure Bread

Today I heard Britney Spears’ new song, “Womanizer,” and it got me thinking.  It crossed my mind that an artist must have been in a dark place career-wise if something as crappy as “Womanizer” is touted as her big comeback.

(On a side note, you people out there reading better appreciate what I go through for you.  In order to research this article, I actually listened to the song the whole way through twice AND watched two versions of the music video.  Don’t ever say I never sacrificed anything for your entertainment.)

Even compared with the slew of R&B-inspired pop tripe that somehow passes for music these days that gets played alongside it, the song is weak.  For the love of God, it uses the word womanizer 34 times (not including the stuttered “woman” that’s haphazardly shoved into the chorus with all the grace of an unapologetic proctologist; that’s used 4 times) - and the song’s only 3 minutes and 46 seconds long!  That’s nine “womanizers” a minute, which is roughly one “womanizer” per every six seconds of music.*  That’s a lot of womanizers; the bar must be saturated in cheap cologne fumes.  Now, I’m not saying I expected genius songwriting from Britney Spears and her people, but really?  This is the best you could come up with?  Don’t you know that Southern girls can’t convincingly use the word “front” as a verb, even if they are writhing in baby oil stark naked under a gold lamp, looking for all the world like America’s most veneral-diseased KFC chicken special?!

Incidentally, if the shoddily thrown-together lyrics weren’t bad enough, the song is actually a pretty blatant “Happy Together” steal.  Don’t believe me?  Check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ISBnx0xUss **  If I were the Turtles, I’d sue.  Except that the judge would probably just say, “Who are you again?” and it’d be pretty embarrassing.

At this point, some idiot reading this will be thinking, “Well, duh, she was in a career slump!  Don’t you remember she suddenly went crazy?”

No, I don’t remember that.  I don’t remember any “suddenly.”  What I remember is hearing “Lucky”** and thinking, “Oh, good, here we go.  The beginning of the end.”  As much as I hate songs about how hard it is to be rich and famous, I had to appreciate Britney giving me a heads-up about all the crazy shit that was to come.  There was no “suddenly.”  There was just a bunch of yahoos who were too busy staring at her gazongas to notice that she was a pretty damaged bit of property from the start.

I don’t understand how anyone could have been surprised that she went off the deep end; if I’d spent the last decade of my life being talentless wank material, I might get a little depressed too, especially if everyone I knew (even my own sainted mother) was selling me out to the paparazzi at every turn.  That’d be enough to stress out a smart, strong, legitimately talented woman; no wonder the poor little moron looks like she’s been run through a meat grinder and spackled back together!

It’s kind of funny that I now pity her, because I was a Britney-hater since the beginning, but I can’t help myself.  She’s like a retarded puppy who only knows one trick.  And she knows that trick makes her masters giggle, so she does it all the time, until it stops being cute and the masters start kicking her into the closet when company comes over.

That’s what will happen with this “Womanizer” business too.  She’ll release a few more singles and do a couple of high-profile performances, and everyone will think she’s back on top, ain’t life  grand?  Yay!  But then, slowly and inevitably, that carefully photoshopped veneer of capability will crack and it’ll be back to everyone saying, “There’s crazy Britney Spears at it again!  I’d feel bad for her, but ew, look how fat she got.”

Fucking US Weekly-reading dumbasses.




* Fun fact: The song “Blue” by Eiffel 65 uses the word “blue” 35 times in 3 minutes and 37 seconds, thus making it the only song in history to mathematically suck more than “Womanizer.”

** Incidentally, this is the version of “Womanizer” you’re going to put on your iPod.  Don’t be ashamed.  It’s okay to like the All-American Rejects, even if that dude’s pants are so obscenely tight that even a male figure skater wouldn’t wear them in public.

*** “She’s so lucky she’s a star, but she cry cry cries in her lonely heart.”  Nope!  Didn’t see that breakdown coming!