Failure Bread

Tomorrow I’m having my wisdom teeth pulled.  I am underwhelmed by the idea, a phrase which here means, “OH MY GOD PLEASE DON’T KILL ME MR. DENTIST MAN I HAVE A FAMILY OH GOD OH GOD THE HORROR THE HORROR!”

…I’m a little nervous.

So, as a coping mechanism, I’ve spent most of my evening trying to think about funny things, which means I’ve been constantly singing ‘The Pirate Song,’ which of course means I’ve been thinking about pirates all day.  In order to continue denying my fear for another few minutes, allow me to list for you the Seven Pirates I Want On My Crew.  Yar.

7)  The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything

Don’t ask me why, but my college roommate had a weird VeggieTales fixation.  Normally, I’m not into being preached at by produce, but the Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything skit is actually pretty amusing in an ‘I wish I were stoned, this’d be PHENOMENAL’ kind of way.  So these guys would get invited onto my crew to entertain me.  Plus, if we got shipwrecked or scurvy or something, we’d all know what was on the menu.


6)  Gibbs

This guy is credited as Joshamee Gibbs by imdb.com, but I’m pretty sure that must be a typo, because his first name is OBVIOUSLY Exposition.  When all the other overpaid actors are running around the boat whining “But what’s my character’s motivation?” Exposition Gibbs is all too glad to sit them down and tell them not only their motivation, but also their past twenty years of backstory.  This would be a handy guy to have around when we end up selling the encyclopedia for rum money.


5)  Don Karnage*

Come on.  Do I even have to explain?


4)  Mack the Black

If your local video store doesn’t carry a copy of The Pirate, then your homework for today is to Tivo the Turner Classic Movie Channel nonstop until it comes on.  So what if you end with three hundred recorded hours of The Ghost and Mr. Chicken?  It’s a small price to pay for the chance to see the hotness that was once Gene Kelly play a pirate.  Well, actually he’s not a pirate, he’s a guy pretending to be a pirate.  Why, you ask?  To get laid.  Cuz that’s just how Gene Kelly rolls, bizatch.


3)  Captain Hook

Captain Hook gets to come because he’s fucking hardcore.  He takes no shit; he kills so many of his own men that he makes Stalin look like a wuss.  Do you know anyone else who’s made an entire career of slaughtering Indians and children?  Please report them to the police.


2)  Christopher Raine

At this point, only my old VeggieTales roommate will be saying, “Hells yeah, you have to have Chris Raine along,” because she’s the only other person I know who has read Jennifer Ashley’s The Care and Feeding of Pirates.  This is a silly romance novel whose one claim to fame is that it is the basis and inspiration for the aforementioned ‘Pirate Song.’  If you’ve never been drunk with me then you’ve never heard ‘The Pirate Song,’ but with lyrics like, “The Jolly Roger flew high as he plundered my booty,” how could it not be the greatest song ever?  Anyway, the hero of both song and book is Christopher Raine, a pirate who does all kind of piratical things, such as shagging virgins while imprisoned, escaping the gallows, stealing, freeing slaves, shagging not-virgins-anymore in the Captain’s Quarters, digging up buried treasure, and flouting authority while fucking it’s sister.  Yeah.  Plus, he’s a romance novel hero, so you know he’s got the talent AND the tools.  And that’s something I’ll need while I’m out on the ocean for months at a time.


1)  Johnny Jones

There’s a sweet-ass SNES game out there called ‘Mario RPG: Legen of the Seven Stars.’  If you have not played this game, you suck.  You suck at life.  Go get it right now!  Best.  Game.  EVER.  Anyway, there’s an underwater section of the game where Mario and his little creampuff sidekick are wandering around a sunken ship.  You didn’t know Mario could breathe underwater?  Ha!  No one is safe from Mario, not even bottom-dwellers!  Anyway, the captain of the sunken ship is Johnny Jones, whom Mario has to fight to gain a Star.  After you get the Star, Jones becomes you buddy and evem saves your ass later in the game.  But that’s not why he’s awesome.  THIS is why he’s awesome:

He’s a fucking SHARK with a fucking HARPOON!!!  What’s greater than that?  Nothing.  That’s what.








*Is Don Karnage a fox?  A hyena?  A Golden Retriever?  Thus is the key to his mysterious allure…

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