Failure Bread

Disclaimer:  A couple of days ago, I ranted about some nutty Christian janitor who works in my building.  Today I plan to rant about nutty pagans and how they’re fucking up everything, including reality TV.  But I PROMISE that this isn’t going to turn into a blog that focuses on religious discussion.  The only time I plan to bring the subject up after this post is if some other affiliated asshole decides to act so galactically stupid that I just can’t resist.

That being said, I heard on the radio today that a recently-voted-off contestant on ‘Britain’s Got Talent,’ responded to her being cut in a mature and not-at-all-moronic way: she cast a spell on the judges and told them they were all “doomed!”*  Apparently, the girl was a witch.

PAGANS OF THE WORLD!  IF YOU ARE AN UNSTABLE FUCKTARD, PLEASE STOP FORCING THE WORLD TO JUDGE OTHER PAGANS BY YOUR BEHAVIOR!

If you’re a real pagan, you’re probably pissed off to hear that yet another jabbering idiot has decided to desecrate all that is pagan by publicly shouting from the rooftops, “I AM A NOT-CHRISTIAN, FEAR ME AND MY MAD SPELL SKILLZ!  ALSO, BLAH BLAH BLAH SOMETHING INANELY STUPID BLAH BLAH BLAH INTOLERANT MORONISM, BLAH BLAH BLAH SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME, DID I MENTION I’M A WITCH?!”

Listen, Morgan LeFaker, or whatever bullshit new name you insist everyone call you by because you don’t answer to your “slave name.”  Do you not realize that when you are a pagan in the public eye, people are going to judge all other pagans in the world by what they think of you?  It’s not fair and it’s not a good friend-making policy, but that’s the way it is.  And if the only pagans they see in public have the intelligence and social aptitude of a bowl of New England clam chowder that ate paint chips as a kid, they are going to do the stupid human mind trick and assume that anyone who calls themselves pagan is a God damned jerkoff.

Incidentally, I’m not sure if it was mentioned in whatever “OMG, DO MAGIC WITH A K” book from whence you picked up your religious leanings, but it’s called karma.  Or sometimes the Rule of Three.  Or the Rede.  Look it the fuck up.  Cursing someone because they didn’t make all your pathetic dreams come true?  Wow.  So much good energy coming your way.  Stop blaming the fact that apparently you don’t got talent on other people.  Take some responsibility for your suckage.  Learn to accept defeat with at least some semblance of grace and adulthood.  STOP ACTING LIKE A TWATWAFFLE!

The only way that Wicca, shamanism, or any other form of paganism is EVER going to be accepted as a valid belief system, instead of the high school phase you insist on turning it into, you loud-mouthed attention whore, is if you start treating it as such.  If you only got into witchcraft because it totally pissed off your parents, fine.  Maybe that’s one way to learn about it.  And maybe you even grew to have a deeper understanding of what it actually means to call yourself a pagan and are now a tolerable human being.  That’s cool.  But if that’s not the case, and you’re still into witchcraft only because it pisses people off, then you’re a fucking moron and you’re ruining it for the rest of us.  Shut.  Up.

And for all you delusional “I hold the secrets to the universe, muahaha, mystical stuff is my forte” bastards, you need to shut up too.  I don’t care if you really and truly believe that you can doom a reality show host, fix lotto numbers with your mind, or levitate cheeseburgers over the fucking moon.  Just do it silently in the privacy of your own home.  Do the rest of us a favor and stop flapping your poser mouth for five seconds so that we normal people can get a sane word in edgewise.**

And speaking of sane pagans getting a word in edgewise, sane pagans, please speak up.  I beg you, if you’re pagan and not a moron, find it in yourself to overcome your fear of being lumped in with the riffraff, and tell someone you know.  That way they’ll start thinking, “Hey, I’ve known Mary forever and she’s just as nice as pie.  Maybe not everything I heard about those godless Devil worshippers is true,” and we might actually have a fighting chance at being accepted for what we are, not what people who watch too much ‘Buffy’ think we are.  I don’t know about you, but I would love for our way of life to become at least commonplace enough to not have to explain to people that a pentacle is not Satan’s hoofprint every five seconds.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go light some candles and bend the ENTIRE WORLD TO MY WILL.  There might also be some baby-eating and animal-sacrificing, if I’m really feeling crazy.***

*DOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

** And stop going on and on about how you were burned in Salem in your past life, because a) there is a subtle but definite difference between a religious holocaust and a class-struggle based, hysteria-fed land ownership disagreement, and b) no one was burned at Salem.  History, it is a lovely thing.  Learn some.

***I don’t recommend animal sacrifice to anyone who’s not well-practiced in the mystical art of getting entrails out of the carpet.