Failure Bread

WHY ARE YOU NOT WATCHING ‘HEROES’?!  Seriously.  Why?

If you’re not watching ‘Heroes,’ you suck.  Or you’re really deprived.  Either way, fix it, cuz you’re missing the best shit on television.

In case you’ve been living in a cave for the past three years, ‘Heroes’ is NBC’s way of saying, “Wow, look at all the money X-Men made!  Sell!  SELL!!!”  Despite its trendwhore inception however, it’s actually a really good show about people with superpowers who are either a) trying to live normal lives while running from people who want to use them for EVIIIIIIIIL, b) attempting to realize their destinies by helping people and/or saving the world, or c) on a cross-country killing spree motivated partially by craziness, partially by powerthirst of Vlad Tepes proportions, and partially by the fun of stabbing people with screwdrivers.

I have to admit that during the infamous writer’s strike last year, the show went a little bonkers, with nearly every character flitting about aimlessly while doing things they’d never have considered in the first season.  Like Mohinder Suresh, a geneticist who started the show as a blissfully normal dude**, but suddenly started acting extremely out-of-character and going all Jeff Goldblum for like eighteen hundred episodes.  That was a scary time for me.  I had finally found something worth watching besides ‘House,’ and here it was going all sophomore slump on me.

But when the series came back from it’s winter vacation a few weeks ago, it seemed to have fully recovered from any impending attacks of lameness.  In the past three episodes I have seen a guy rip off the door of a cab and hit someone with it, witnessed a plane crash and its subsequent a-sploding, and heard Sylar utter the words, “Okay, technically I’m a serial killer,” and “You’ve really got to stop trying to be my friend or I’m going to have to kill you.”***

I really like this show because it manages to be pretty original, which is tough in the comic-book genre because comic books have been around for so long that everything’s been done.  The storylines may be pretty basic when you boil them down, but there are so many twists and turns between Point A and Point B that it rarely feels predictable.  At the same time, it manages to honor its roots.****

Anyway, the point of all this is: start watching ‘Heroes.’  I’m serious, start now or we’re not friends anymore.  And don’t listen to any of those naysayers who tell you that you’ve got to watch it from the beginning to “get it.”  I have more faith in your intelligence***** than that.  Sure, it helps to have seen them all, but it’s not really that hard to pick up in the middle.

Although I will leave you with this helpful hint: if you think you know what Noah Bennett is up to, you don’t.  If you think you know what side he’s on, you don’t.  No one ever knows!  Noah Bennett is so tricky that even the writers and the guy playing him don’t know what he’s up to half the time.

Wily bastard…

*That’s weird, my spellchecker doesn’t know the word MohinderFly?

**A blissfully normal, fucking gorgeous dude with a droolworthy accent.  Till he went all scales and goop.  I warned him!  I said, “Don’t do it, Mohinder, I’ver seen the end of this movie!”  One minutes you’re all, “Check me out, I’m hot and athletic,” and the next you’re piling your teeth up in the medicine cabinet. 

***Other memorable phrases include “I let you live, which is kind of a big deal for me.”  Is it just me, or are the writers giving Sylar all the good dialogue?  Zachary Quinto may owe Heath Ledger a thank-you for making psychos the coolest kids on the block again.

****Kirby Plaza?  Get it?

*****And your ability to Google.

Okay, it’s a day after Valentine’s Day and I’m still pissed off. I cannot take all the people who bitch about Valentine’s Day like it’s the fucking Holocaust. You know what? It’s just a holiday! It’s just a holiday that no one forces you to celebrate and will be over in twenty-four hours. Do you think maybe you could get over yourself for one day?

Maybe you’re thinking it’s hypocritical of me to bitch about people who bitch. You might be right; just because I sometimes dislike Valentine’s Day for a legitimate reason (it turns 75% of the population into crybabies that I have to deal with), does that make me any better than people who hate it for the following stupid reasons?

3) It causes people to be sickeningly gushy and pull off PDAs everywhere.
2) It’s too commercial.
1) It makes them feel lonely.

The short and honest answer is no. But this is my page and I write so that I can express myself and I don’t really care if I get six hundred pissed-off e-mails saying I’m being unfair. So if you feel this rant is going to piss you off because it’s bitching about bitching, well, you were warned.

Anyway, that being said, let’s talk about why people bitch about Valentine’s Day. As you can see from the list above*, the third most popular reason people whine all through the beginning of February is because they don’t want to watch all the happy couples flirting and macking on the big V Day. Why should they have to watch people being vulgar and sentimental in the streets?

These people need to shut up. First of all, it’s a stupid thing to complain about. You’ve been watching people mack in public since the dawn of time. Get used to it already. All the shit that goes on in the world and you’re complaining about a holiday that celebrates love and togetherness and makes people kiss each other instead of killing each other? Grow the fuck up. Of course they’re going to kiss in the street and of course you’re going to see. That’s the thing about PDA; it’s, by definition, public. Public places are for everyone’s use and as long as you’re not exposing yourself indecently, what’s the big deal if two people are macking on a park bench? I think we could use more of it.

But oh no, it makes people sad to see other people having fun, especially if you throw in the old jealousy factor too. Just cuz you’re not getting any love, no one else should? Don’t be so fucking juvenile. Don’t define yourself by the person you are or aren’t dating. If you can’t stand alone, you shouldn’t stand at all. Lay down on your couch for the rest of your life and be a co-dependent jerk. Whatever. And if you want someone to be with, go out and find someone. Don’t bitch because everyone else has someone to love. Let me give you a hint: being single and whiny is a cycle. You’re not dating –> you whine –> no one wants to date someone who’s bitching about how hard life is all the time –> you’re still not dating. Is it starting to make sense now?

The second most common reason people whine about Valentine’s Day is the blatant commercialism of it all. Oh, what a horrible capitalist society we live in, wah wah, boo hoo. They put the candy out in January and the greeting card industry is taking over the world! They have taken everything sacred and run it into the ground.

Well, duh.

I don’t know if you’ve been living in a cave or what, but that’s kind of what we do in America. Not one of our better characteristics, I admit, but still, that’s the way it is and if you can’t at least tolerate it, what the hell are you doing here? I’m all for changing the world when it’s needed, but people are always going to be greedy bastards. Money is always going to be important, however wrong it is. Get used to it and get over it. Everything is commercialized here, this isn’t something unique to Valentine’s Day; just ask Charlie Brown.

I don’t see what the big deal is about commercializing it anyway. If greeting cards didn’t produce Valentines, no one would get any. Sure, you could make your own and it might be preferable to do so, but I guarantee you the 95% of the country won’t be bothered with it. If you don’t have the time and energy to make handmade fucking lace-covered Valentines it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. I say more power to people who give out store-bought Valentines; at least they were thinking of you. So if only 5% of the country is giving out ‘Thinking of You’ cards made of macaroni, that’s a lot of people feeling left out. And you know what that leads to! MORE BITCHING!

People say that all this commercialism has cheapened the holiday and that it’s not about loving people anymore. The fact that the stores pushed the candy and stuff on you means you’re giving gifts out of pressure and expectation. This is bullshit. Any time you give someone a gift, it’s your responsibility to do it for the right reasons; it’s not the responsibility of the fucking department store where you got the gift to make sure you’re being a good person. The stores don’t care why you buy their shit; if you want to buy sixteen crates of Be Mine candy hearts, they don’t care if you’re doing it to show your appreciation for your girlfriend, or because she demanded a box of only yellow ones and now you have to pick through eight tons of hearts to get her this one present cuz she’s a conniving bitch, or because you like the fizzy noise they make in the bathtub. Don’t blame stores for cheapening emotion. Blame the bastards who buy into it.

What’s so horrible about giving or getting a present just because it’s a certain date? If it was really something to apologize for, Christmas would be an awkward fucking holiday.

If you’re getting a present, you’re getting a present! Presents = good. Take it and shut up! If you’re giving a present, good for you. You did something unselfish and tried to make someone feel good. And even if you only did it hoping to get laid, hey, maybe you will and maybe you won’t. If you do, good things. Congrats. If you don’t, it’s your own fault for getting your hopes up and thinking that your significant other would whore themselves to you for a box of heart-shaped candy.
Which brings me to the number one reason people bitch on Valentine’s Day and put themselves at risk of being stabbed in the neck with a fork for being such an annoying asshole: loneliness.

See above re: the old jealousy factor. Stop being so selfish. So you’re lonely. Big fucking deal! Everyone’s lonely at some point. I’m lonely right this very second, but I don’t bitch and whine about how no one loves me, what a world, what a world. Just because I’m not getting any doesn’t mean I think the rest of the world should be depressed and isolated and kept from their loved ones just to make me feel better.

Let me clue you in on something here. Are you paying attention? Good. Sometimes, children, other people have things that we don’t and that makes us sad because it’s unfair.

LIFE! IS! NOT! FAIR!

Stop being so selfish. So there’s a holiday that reminds you that you have no significant other. Boo fucking hoo. Get over yourself, the whole world isn’t going to stop celebrating the good things about their lives just because you can’t find even one positive aspect to focus on.

Here’s a solution and it’s even a legitimate, curse-word-free one. If you don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/whatever to be with on Valentine’s Day… do something for someone else! Oh, my God, you mean I can give my friends or family presents or cards on Valentine’s Day?! Who knew? Better yet, give a flower or card to a complete stranger. Stop the bitching epidemic in its tracks!

If you’re going to protest Valentine’s Day, do it silently, would you? Don’t ruin it for everyone else. Chances are, at least some of them have to be celebrating for the right reasons and if they’re doing them for what you consider the wrong reasons, tough shit. It’s not your call to decide right and wrong for other people. You don’t like it, fine. Don’t celebrate. Boycott Hallmark. Hold an anti-Valentine’s Day party; those are usually really fun if you get the right guests there. Get a fucking hobby or something, but just stop the madness! Stop being such a pessimistic moron. Shut. Up.

I like Valentine’s Day and, incidentally, I went liked it during my boyfriendless years too. You know why I like it? Cuz it represents hope. Cuz it gives people a chance to have a good time in the middle of the shittiest month of the year. Because it promotes positivity and love.

Not to mention that the upshot of all this is that on February 15th there’s a clearance sale in the candy aisle. Where’s the downside?





* This list compiled by V’s Bureau Of Made-Up Statistics.

Hi everyone.  Forgive my recent absence; I’ve been rehearsing for a dinner theater and it’s taking up quite a bit of time!*

Anyway…  Today I was going to post about the awesomeness that is Neil Gaiman, but it will have to wait until next time, because I have something on my mind that I’d really like to get out in the open.**

I’ve been pretty upset lately about a friend of mine.  Possibly a former friend, because I have this awful sinking sensation in my stomach that tells me I might never see her again, possibly never even get the chance to talk to her again.

I was friends with this girl for years, best friends even.  And as we got older and found other people to get close to, we were still good friends for a long time.  When finally we did lose contact with each other, it wasn’t for long.  After only a year or two of missing each other, we eventually hooked back up and picked up right where we’d left off.

I have heard through the grapevine that she now has a new boyfriend who is her whole world.  I have also heard that unless you also want to hang out with boyfriend and his pals, you can no longer hang out with her.  The exception to this is if her boyfriend is busy with an event she is not herself attending.  So I’ve heard.

But I don’t know for sure, because she hasn’t returned my phone calls, texts, e-mails, house visits, or Facebook messages in months.  I can’t get her side of the story because I’ve been backburnered indefinitely.  The first couple weeks of not hearing back from her, I could forgive.  I can understand getting caught up in the thrill of a new relationship and maybe letting your friends fall by the wayside for a bit.  But after at least five months of her apparently absolute disinterest, I started to let my feelings get hurt.

The worst part is, I can’t get too angry with her.  I can’t make myself call and leave her a scathing voicemail.  I can’t just type out, “Thanks for nothing.  Don’t bother writing back,” and send it.

Not because she’s just that awesome and not because love must conquer all and blah blah blah.  But because I kind of deserve it.

When I was younger, I did something really bad.  No one was permanently injured and I’m sure that looking back on it, the other parties involved probably just laugh, but I know it was awful.

There was a week in our younger days when I suddenly turned on my friend.  Because someone I perceived as cooler than me was also doing it, I let loose for days with all the insults and teasing I could come up with.  Nothing my friend did could escape the judgment of me and this idiot “cool kid” I wanted to impress.  We were relentless and we were ruthless.

I know that in just reading about it, you probably don’t understand why I feel quite so shameful to this day.  But I think if you let your mind sink back into your 15-year-old self, and remembered how sometimes even the smallest little stings could make you feel like absolute garbage, you might begin to understand.  Imagine someone you trusted, someone who was your best friend, started whipping insults at you out of nowhere.  Imagine that this went on for days and days.  Imagine that your friend didn’t stop until an adult finally stepped in and mediated.

When it was all over, my friend forgave me.  When I came to my senses, she took me back.  And years later, when I would get drunk or just emotional and start apologizing again, she forgave me every time.

That’s why I’m stuck with vague, bitter blog posts as my outlet.  Because I always knew I was going to pay for the things I did.  I always knew karma would catch up with me and demand penance.  So now I have to try to accept what’s happening as graciously as she once did, even if I want to cry, even if I want to yell, even if I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she sees what she’s doing to her old friendships.

Well.  Anyway.  I hope it works out for her, this boyfriend thing.  Because I think karma would demand that if something (Heaven forbid) goes wrong in her relationship and she comes looking to the abandoned for solace, I am obligated to provide it.  I don’t know if I’m a big enough person for that, and I really don’t want to be tested.

*February 14th at Pasqualli’s Steakhouse in Amsterdam, NY, the FulMont Rep Theater presents “The Other Valentine’s Day Massecre.”  Eat yummy food and enjoy!  E-mail me for details!

**Depressing reflection ahead!  Bear with me this one time and I promise that tomorrow I’ll go back to being semi-entertaining.

If you’re wondering why my blog is suddenly ugly as shit, except for my BADASS NEW LOGO,* don’t blame me.

Out of nowhere, Today.com decided to enforce a “Universal Theme.”  Since they pay their bloggers, I guess they’re allowed to do that.  But seriously, look at it.  Where’s my purple?!  Where’s the stupid theme I spent like 3 hours picking out the first time I logged in?

Fucking gone, that’s where.

So yes.  I know it’s hideous.  It’s not my fault.  And since I am insanely petty and whiny, Rob said he would help me adjust to the new Nazi theme by helping me set it up to look decent.  So, hopefully, in a few days it won’t be such a damn eyesore.  But until then, if it offends your delicate sensitivities as it does mine, take it up with Today.com.  Or leave a bitchy comment and I’ll make sure they see it.  Whatever.

I am displeased.




*Seriously. Cutest moldy breads ever.

Hello, loyal and patient readers.  I stand before you today a humbled writer; today I must do that which I had hoped I would never have to do.  I must apologize for a mistake.

I told myself when I got into this crazy business that I wouldn’t be one of those, “Meh, good enough,” bloggers.  My posts might not be the most eloquent.  They might not be about the most intellectually stirring subject matter.  But at least I would strive for accuracy and sense.

Well, apparently, I suck at that.  As my sister pointed out to me,* there’s a mistake in my ‘Twilight’ rant.  Apparently, there is a reason Vampy McWhinesalot cannot read his cardboard lover’s vapid mind.**   As my sister explains it, “You know how some of the vampires have powers?  Well, their powers are like a super version of how they acted before they were vampires.  Turns out that Bella also has a power - she has like, this shield thing, which explains not only why Edward can’t read her mind, but also why Jane can’t do her pain-inflicting thing to her.  Once she goes all vampy in the last book, she ends up shielding other people too since it becomes more powerful all vamped up.”***

The reason I didn’t know this is because I got fed up with the series after the first three books failed to be the key to Nirvana, as my friends had assured me it would.  I never read the fourth one, but I went out on a limb and assumed that the writing and storytelling would be just as subpar in that volume as it had been in all the others.

So yeah.  All snarkiness aside, I fucked up.  I’ll try to do better from now on.****

Anyshit, with all that out of the way, I can tell you about my real topic for this evening: Michael Phelps, and how if I cared any less about his Deadhead ways, it would create a black hole of apathy, into which we would all be sucked, where we would quickly suffocate and die, much like I wish most of the sensationalizing asshole members of the news media would do.

Why does everybody care about Michael Phelps toking up?  Why is this a big deal?  Is this really the most important thing we have to talk about, with all the shit going on in the world?  WHY IS THIS AN ISSUE?!

Dude.  Michael Phelps?  Yeah, he’s a college student.  And guess what?  Olympiad or not, sometimes college students experiment with drugs.  Why?  Cuz they’re there.  Cuz they’re fun.*****  Cuz who the fuck cares why, it’s been a fact of life since pot came to this country (by our founding fathers, if I remember right, who grew it as a multifunctional cash crop for ages before it was outlawed).

For one thing, without the intention of turning this into a pro-ganja manifesto, it’s total bureaucratic nonsense that marijuana is illegal in a country where both alcohol and cigarettes are legal.  For another, why do all these middle-aged assholes think they have the right to judge a kid for doing something they all did themselves back before they sold their souls to The Man and started wearing ugly suits everyday?

And don’t give me that bullshit about Michael Phelps being a role model for children.  That’s just stupid.  Seriously, even if he was a total straight edge, do you want this goofy bastard being the one your kids look up to?

God, he’s dumb-looking guy.  What do you want your idiot kids to look up to this guy for?

On a serious note, parents and other self-righteous watchdogs need to stop forcing the “role model” tag on every person in the public eye.  “Role model” is just an acceptable way to say, “I’m too lazy to teach my kids how to act myself, so I’ll make everyone else responsible for it.”  To paraphrase the great George Carlin, if your kid’s got a role model and you aren’t it, you’ve got some serious problems.  Stop making your children’s shitty behavior everyone else’s fault.  Maybe if you stopped treating your kids like every day is Christmas, they would learn some boundaries and life lessons from you, not some vague Speedo-wearing figure on the television.  Raise your own kids, you lazy mouthbreathers!

And even if using some popular face as a scapegoat for your own shitty parenting weren’t a completely heinous (and ever overlooked) form of neglect, why in the name of everything holy would you want your kids to emulate some dumbass athlete?  “I want little Jimmy to be just like Michael Phelps because he swims fast?”  Are you kidding me?!  What the hell good is that going to do little Jimmy out in the real world?  If you’re going to force your kids to be something they’re not because you’re too busy being their bestest buddy to actually teach them how to behave like a human being of worth, why not encourage them to be like someone with a talent that’s useful more than once every four years?  Why not point them in the direction of a mathemetician, so they know how to handle money and balance a checkbook?  Why not point them toward scientists, humanitarians, volunteer workers, teachers?  Celebrities are the dumbest, most useless, and least functional percentage of the human population, and yet they’re all our children should aspire to be?  That’s messed up.

Let’s review.  If you are really and truly hurt by the fact that Michael Phelps got caught hitting a bong, and especially if you feel he should be punished more severely than your own kid would because he’s a so-called “example to our youth,” then you are a God damned moron.  Please choke on your tongue and remove yourself from the gene pool.

*To her infinite credit, in a very not “I told you so” tone.

**She’s an X-Man.

***Sounds semi-reasonable, although I still have a hard time buying that Bella’s piddly human ability is still able to thwart Edward’s supersonic vamp ability.  Sorry.

****But no, I will not be reading the fourth ‘Twilight’ book.  I’m not that committed to excellence.

*****Drugs are bad, mkay?  I don’t advocate the doing of drugs anywhere you might get caught and arrested.

Hi, everyone.  With another weekend of slacking behind me, I returned to work today and promptly decided to check my personal e-mail during business hours (sorry, Donna).

Imagine my delight when I found concrete proof that not only does someone actually read this blog, but actually enjoys it enough to commission my wrathful services.  From Stephie:

“I just realized the actor who plays Edward Cullen, Robert Pattinson, played Cedric Diggory in the movie of Harry Potter book 4.

Robert Pattinson might be a good actor, I can’t really remember him in ‘Harry Potter’, but he was TERRIBLE in ‘Twilight’.  I feel like he’s contaminating Harry Potter but his association with it.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIS HAIR IN ‘TWILIGHT’?!??!

Please, please, please, rant about this.  His hair in ‘Twilight’ was ridiculous, and he was not attractive in it.  Massive retro 80s hair will not save a bad plot, bad script, and bad acting.  there isn’t enough hair spray or gel in the world that would have saved ‘Twilight.’

ALTHOUGH there are pics of him on imdb…. probably from the premiere of ‘Twilight’… and his hair looks WORSE.

I kid you not: http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2999555328/nm1500155

Enjoy.”

Let’s all thank Stephie for sharing.  Yay!

After my first couple of posts on this blog, I told my boyfriend that I had a great idea for a short story I could post, which I planned to title, “Vamps Anonymous,” and would feature Edward Cullen showing up for his first vampire support group meeting.  Dracula, a Chinese hopping vampire with one nostril, Spike and Angel from ‘Buffy,’ and even LeStat, would all be there and eventually end up telling Edward what a fag he is, even by mopey-ass whiny vampire standards.

Why did I not grace your eyes with this literary masterpiece?  Because Rob pointed out that I was running the risk of turning into an anti-Twilight blog.  My first two posts and my ‘About’ page all have anti-Twilight sentiments, so I decided to hold off and pick on poor old Britney Spears instead.

But it’s okay now, because someone asked me to bitch about Stephanie Meyer’s fucking travesty!  So big thanks, Steph, you have given me a perfect excuse to issue my venom upon that which I hate almost more than anything ever!

Stephie did an admirable job of summing it up pretty well in her e-mail, but I do have a few things to add.

First of all, I should come right out and say that I didn’t see the movie ‘Twilight.’  I did not see the movie because everyone told me it was just like the books, and reading the first three books was only slightly less uncomfortable than a virulent yeast infection.  So yeah.  I didn’t witness the spectacle that was Robert Pattinson’s idiotic hair in full motion.  I did see enough publicity shots and cardboard cutouts to know that it looks like Wolverine stuck his head into a fucking blender.

But it’s not just his hair; the whole look the makeup crew went for in that movie was ridiculous.  I understand that he’s the undead, but does he have to look like someone beat him in the face with a shovel?  He doesn’t look dead, he looks like a gangbang victim.  And why is Bella just as pale as all the vampires?  I’m not sure if anyone on the makeup crew realizes it, but there’s a big difference between naturally pale and not having been in the sun for the whole of your unnatural existance.  No way should a normal human be the same hue as a vampire.  Oh, but I forgot.  She’s not normal; she’s special.  Gag.

The hair’s the worst though.  What does looking like you combed your hair with a rake have to do with being seductive and pulseless?  The thing that really gets me about his hair is that I saw him on ‘Ellen’ a few months ago and he was sporting the same tooly ‘do.  And he had the nerve to say, “Oh yeah, it just looks like this when I wake up, it’s no big deal.”

Oh, really?  It just miraculously looks gelled, blowdried, sprayed, and tousled (in that order) when you wake up in the morning?  That’s a pretty fucking big pill to swallow.  I almost could have forgiven him for ‘Twilight’*, but oh no, he had to buy into the hype and lie to me, Ellen, and the whole world.

It’s not such a terrible thing to admit that you took pains to look the way you do.  Granted, you look like a God damned fruit loop, but if that’s what you want to do, then at least own up to it, you pussy!

There.  I’ve said all I can say about his hair.  I feel better now.

HOWEVER, I have lots more to say about ‘Twilight.’  Allow me to provide it for you in an easy-to-read list form.

1)  Uptight Mormons should not write pseudo-erotic teen idiot porn.

2)  “You smell good” is no basis for a stable relationship.  Nor is “I want to eat you more than anyone else” the new definition of romance.  The relationship between two characters who are supposedly in love should not boil down to the same relationship I have with my fucking Junior Whopper.

3)  The main character is a fuckwitted moron.  Really?  Your boyfriend dumps you and you go catatonic for three months?  THREE MONTHS?!  At least.  I mean, I remember when my last boyfriend left me to go kill himself in the vampire Vatican (no, I’m not making that up), I was a wreck, but I was only COMPLETELY NONFUNCTIONAL AND EVEN MORE UNINTERESTING THAN USUAL for like two weeks, tops.  Then I realized that I can exist without a man I hardly know and hooked up with the cute werewolf.   Granted, his breath smells more like carrion than a bouquet of baby’s breath and dew-covered meadows**, but you take what you can get, right, ladies?

4)  Why does everyone love Bella when she has the personality of a scratching post?  Everyone wants a piece of this bitch.  I gotta know her secret…  Oh, wait, I remember the trick: she’s an obvious self-insertion fantasy by an author who was most likely very unpopular in high school and (gasp) just smelled like a person instead of Life’s Great Mystery.

5)  Vampires versus werewolves is so done, and if you have nothing new to add to the idea, skip it.

6)  Why can’t Edward read Bella’s mind?  I don’t know.  And you don’t either, BECAUSE IT’S NEVER EXPLAINED.  Possibly because Meyer realized no one cared by book four; they were just holding out for the vampire sex they knew was to come if only they just kept reading one plotless page after the next…

and lastly, but also most importantly,

7)  Vampires.  Don’t.  Sparkle.  They just don’t.  End.  Of.  Story.

*I can’t begrudge a young actor the opportunity to do a movie that will have him drowning in barely-legal furr.  I’m nice like that.

**Seriously, why does Edward have hypnotic sugar breath?  What the fuck does that have to do with GORGING UPON LIVING FLESH?!