Failure Bread

Hi, everyone.  With another weekend of slacking behind me, I returned to work today and promptly decided to check my personal e-mail during business hours (sorry, Donna).

Imagine my delight when I found concrete proof that not only does someone actually read this blog, but actually enjoys it enough to commission my wrathful services.  From Stephie:

“I just realized the actor who plays Edward Cullen, Robert Pattinson, played Cedric Diggory in the movie of Harry Potter book 4.

Robert Pattinson might be a good actor, I can’t really remember him in ‘Harry Potter’, but he was TERRIBLE in ‘Twilight’.  I feel like he’s contaminating Harry Potter but his association with it.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIS HAIR IN ‘TWILIGHT’?!??!

Please, please, please, rant about this.  His hair in ‘Twilight’ was ridiculous, and he was not attractive in it.  Massive retro 80s hair will not save a bad plot, bad script, and bad acting.  there isn’t enough hair spray or gel in the world that would have saved ‘Twilight.’

ALTHOUGH there are pics of him on imdb…. probably from the premiere of ‘Twilight’… and his hair looks WORSE.

I kid you not: http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2999555328/nm1500155

Enjoy.”

Let’s all thank Stephie for sharing.  Yay!

After my first couple of posts on this blog, I told my boyfriend that I had a great idea for a short story I could post, which I planned to title, “Vamps Anonymous,” and would feature Edward Cullen showing up for his first vampire support group meeting.  Dracula, a Chinese hopping vampire with one nostril, Spike and Angel from ‘Buffy,’ and even LeStat, would all be there and eventually end up telling Edward what a fag he is, even by mopey-ass whiny vampire standards.

Why did I not grace your eyes with this literary masterpiece?  Because Rob pointed out that I was running the risk of turning into an anti-Twilight blog.  My first two posts and my ‘About’ page all have anti-Twilight sentiments, so I decided to hold off and pick on poor old Britney Spears instead.

But it’s okay now, because someone asked me to bitch about Stephanie Meyer’s fucking travesty!  So big thanks, Steph, you have given me a perfect excuse to issue my venom upon that which I hate almost more than anything ever!

Stephie did an admirable job of summing it up pretty well in her e-mail, but I do have a few things to add.

First of all, I should come right out and say that I didn’t see the movie ‘Twilight.’  I did not see the movie because everyone told me it was just like the books, and reading the first three books was only slightly less uncomfortable than a virulent yeast infection.  So yeah.  I didn’t witness the spectacle that was Robert Pattinson’s idiotic hair in full motion.  I did see enough publicity shots and cardboard cutouts to know that it looks like Wolverine stuck his head into a fucking blender.

But it’s not just his hair; the whole look the makeup crew went for in that movie was ridiculous.  I understand that he’s the undead, but does he have to look like someone beat him in the face with a shovel?  He doesn’t look dead, he looks like a gangbang victim.  And why is Bella just as pale as all the vampires?  I’m not sure if anyone on the makeup crew realizes it, but there’s a big difference between naturally pale and not having been in the sun for the whole of your unnatural existance.  No way should a normal human be the same hue as a vampire.  Oh, but I forgot.  She’s not normal; she’s special.  Gag.

The hair’s the worst though.  What does looking like you combed your hair with a rake have to do with being seductive and pulseless?  The thing that really gets me about his hair is that I saw him on ‘Ellen’ a few months ago and he was sporting the same tooly ‘do.  And he had the nerve to say, “Oh yeah, it just looks like this when I wake up, it’s no big deal.”

Oh, really?  It just miraculously looks gelled, blowdried, sprayed, and tousled (in that order) when you wake up in the morning?  That’s a pretty fucking big pill to swallow.  I almost could have forgiven him for ‘Twilight’*, but oh no, he had to buy into the hype and lie to me, Ellen, and the whole world.

It’s not such a terrible thing to admit that you took pains to look the way you do.  Granted, you look like a God damned fruit loop, but if that’s what you want to do, then at least own up to it, you pussy!

There.  I’ve said all I can say about his hair.  I feel better now.

HOWEVER, I have lots more to say about ‘Twilight.’  Allow me to provide it for you in an easy-to-read list form.

1)  Uptight Mormons should not write pseudo-erotic teen idiot porn.

2)  “You smell good” is no basis for a stable relationship.  Nor is “I want to eat you more than anyone else” the new definition of romance.  The relationship between two characters who are supposedly in love should not boil down to the same relationship I have with my fucking Junior Whopper.

3)  The main character is a fuckwitted moron.  Really?  Your boyfriend dumps you and you go catatonic for three months?  THREE MONTHS?!  At least.  I mean, I remember when my last boyfriend left me to go kill himself in the vampire Vatican (no, I’m not making that up), I was a wreck, but I was only COMPLETELY NONFUNCTIONAL AND EVEN MORE UNINTERESTING THAN USUAL for like two weeks, tops.  Then I realized that I can exist without a man I hardly know and hooked up with the cute werewolf.   Granted, his breath smells more like carrion than a bouquet of baby’s breath and dew-covered meadows**, but you take what you can get, right, ladies?

4)  Why does everyone love Bella when she has the personality of a scratching post?  Everyone wants a piece of this bitch.  I gotta know her secret…  Oh, wait, I remember the trick: she’s an obvious self-insertion fantasy by an author who was most likely very unpopular in high school and (gasp) just smelled like a person instead of Life’s Great Mystery.

5)  Vampires versus werewolves is so done, and if you have nothing new to add to the idea, skip it.

6)  Why can’t Edward read Bella’s mind?  I don’t know.  And you don’t either, BECAUSE IT’S NEVER EXPLAINED.  Possibly because Meyer realized no one cared by book four; they were just holding out for the vampire sex they knew was to come if only they just kept reading one plotless page after the next…

and lastly, but also most importantly,

7)  Vampires.  Don’t.  Sparkle.  They just don’t.  End.  Of.  Story.

*I can’t begrudge a young actor the opportunity to do a movie that will have him drowning in barely-legal furr.  I’m nice like that.

**Seriously, why does Edward have hypnotic sugar breath?  What the fuck does that have to do with GORGING UPON LIVING FLESH?!

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