Failure Bread

Hi everyone.  Forgive my recent absence; I’ve been rehearsing for a dinner theater and it’s taking up quite a bit of time!*

Anyway…  Today I was going to post about the awesomeness that is Neil Gaiman, but it will have to wait until next time, because I have something on my mind that I’d really like to get out in the open.**

I’ve been pretty upset lately about a friend of mine.  Possibly a former friend, because I have this awful sinking sensation in my stomach that tells me I might never see her again, possibly never even get the chance to talk to her again.

I was friends with this girl for years, best friends even.  And as we got older and found other people to get close to, we were still good friends for a long time.  When finally we did lose contact with each other, it wasn’t for long.  After only a year or two of missing each other, we eventually hooked back up and picked up right where we’d left off.

I have heard through the grapevine that she now has a new boyfriend who is her whole world.  I have also heard that unless you also want to hang out with boyfriend and his pals, you can no longer hang out with her.  The exception to this is if her boyfriend is busy with an event she is not herself attending.  So I’ve heard.

But I don’t know for sure, because she hasn’t returned my phone calls, texts, e-mails, house visits, or Facebook messages in months.  I can’t get her side of the story because I’ve been backburnered indefinitely.  The first couple weeks of not hearing back from her, I could forgive.  I can understand getting caught up in the thrill of a new relationship and maybe letting your friends fall by the wayside for a bit.  But after at least five months of her apparently absolute disinterest, I started to let my feelings get hurt.

The worst part is, I can’t get too angry with her.  I can’t make myself call and leave her a scathing voicemail.  I can’t just type out, “Thanks for nothing.  Don’t bother writing back,” and send it.

Not because she’s just that awesome and not because love must conquer all and blah blah blah.  But because I kind of deserve it.

When I was younger, I did something really bad.  No one was permanently injured and I’m sure that looking back on it, the other parties involved probably just laugh, but I know it was awful.

There was a week in our younger days when I suddenly turned on my friend.  Because someone I perceived as cooler than me was also doing it, I let loose for days with all the insults and teasing I could come up with.  Nothing my friend did could escape the judgment of me and this idiot “cool kid” I wanted to impress.  We were relentless and we were ruthless.

I know that in just reading about it, you probably don’t understand why I feel quite so shameful to this day.  But I think if you let your mind sink back into your 15-year-old self, and remembered how sometimes even the smallest little stings could make you feel like absolute garbage, you might begin to understand.  Imagine someone you trusted, someone who was your best friend, started whipping insults at you out of nowhere.  Imagine that this went on for days and days.  Imagine that your friend didn’t stop until an adult finally stepped in and mediated.

When it was all over, my friend forgave me.  When I came to my senses, she took me back.  And years later, when I would get drunk or just emotional and start apologizing again, she forgave me every time.

That’s why I’m stuck with vague, bitter blog posts as my outlet.  Because I always knew I was going to pay for the things I did.  I always knew karma would catch up with me and demand penance.  So now I have to try to accept what’s happening as graciously as she once did, even if I want to cry, even if I want to yell, even if I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she sees what she’s doing to her old friendships.

Well.  Anyway.  I hope it works out for her, this boyfriend thing.  Because I think karma would demand that if something (Heaven forbid) goes wrong in her relationship and she comes looking to the abandoned for solace, I am obligated to provide it.  I don’t know if I’m a big enough person for that, and I really don’t want to be tested.

*February 14th at Pasqualli’s Steakhouse in Amsterdam, NY, the FulMont Rep Theater presents “The Other Valentine’s Day Massecre.”  Eat yummy food and enjoy!  E-mail me for details!

**Depressing reflection ahead!  Bear with me this one time and I promise that tomorrow I’ll go back to being semi-entertaining.