Failure Bread

Okay, it’s a day after Valentine’s Day and I’m still pissed off. I cannot take all the people who bitch about Valentine’s Day like it’s the fucking Holocaust. You know what? It’s just a holiday! It’s just a holiday that no one forces you to celebrate and will be over in twenty-four hours. Do you think maybe you could get over yourself for one day?

Maybe you’re thinking it’s hypocritical of me to bitch about people who bitch. You might be right; just because I sometimes dislike Valentine’s Day for a legitimate reason (it turns 75% of the population into crybabies that I have to deal with), does that make me any better than people who hate it for the following stupid reasons?

3) It causes people to be sickeningly gushy and pull off PDAs everywhere.
2) It’s too commercial.
1) It makes them feel lonely.

The short and honest answer is no. But this is my page and I write so that I can express myself and I don’t really care if I get six hundred pissed-off e-mails saying I’m being unfair. So if you feel this rant is going to piss you off because it’s bitching about bitching, well, you were warned.

Anyway, that being said, let’s talk about why people bitch about Valentine’s Day. As you can see from the list above*, the third most popular reason people whine all through the beginning of February is because they don’t want to watch all the happy couples flirting and macking on the big V Day. Why should they have to watch people being vulgar and sentimental in the streets?

These people need to shut up. First of all, it’s a stupid thing to complain about. You’ve been watching people mack in public since the dawn of time. Get used to it already. All the shit that goes on in the world and you’re complaining about a holiday that celebrates love and togetherness and makes people kiss each other instead of killing each other? Grow the fuck up. Of course they’re going to kiss in the street and of course you’re going to see. That’s the thing about PDA; it’s, by definition, public. Public places are for everyone’s use and as long as you’re not exposing yourself indecently, what’s the big deal if two people are macking on a park bench? I think we could use more of it.

But oh no, it makes people sad to see other people having fun, especially if you throw in the old jealousy factor too. Just cuz you’re not getting any love, no one else should? Don’t be so fucking juvenile. Don’t define yourself by the person you are or aren’t dating. If you can’t stand alone, you shouldn’t stand at all. Lay down on your couch for the rest of your life and be a co-dependent jerk. Whatever. And if you want someone to be with, go out and find someone. Don’t bitch because everyone else has someone to love. Let me give you a hint: being single and whiny is a cycle. You’re not dating –> you whine –> no one wants to date someone who’s bitching about how hard life is all the time –> you’re still not dating. Is it starting to make sense now?

The second most common reason people whine about Valentine’s Day is the blatant commercialism of it all. Oh, what a horrible capitalist society we live in, wah wah, boo hoo. They put the candy out in January and the greeting card industry is taking over the world! They have taken everything sacred and run it into the ground.

Well, duh.

I don’t know if you’ve been living in a cave or what, but that’s kind of what we do in America. Not one of our better characteristics, I admit, but still, that’s the way it is and if you can’t at least tolerate it, what the hell are you doing here? I’m all for changing the world when it’s needed, but people are always going to be greedy bastards. Money is always going to be important, however wrong it is. Get used to it and get over it. Everything is commercialized here, this isn’t something unique to Valentine’s Day; just ask Charlie Brown.

I don’t see what the big deal is about commercializing it anyway. If greeting cards didn’t produce Valentines, no one would get any. Sure, you could make your own and it might be preferable to do so, but I guarantee you the 95% of the country won’t be bothered with it. If you don’t have the time and energy to make handmade fucking lace-covered Valentines it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. I say more power to people who give out store-bought Valentines; at least they were thinking of you. So if only 5% of the country is giving out ‘Thinking of You’ cards made of macaroni, that’s a lot of people feeling left out. And you know what that leads to! MORE BITCHING!

People say that all this commercialism has cheapened the holiday and that it’s not about loving people anymore. The fact that the stores pushed the candy and stuff on you means you’re giving gifts out of pressure and expectation. This is bullshit. Any time you give someone a gift, it’s your responsibility to do it for the right reasons; it’s not the responsibility of the fucking department store where you got the gift to make sure you’re being a good person. The stores don’t care why you buy their shit; if you want to buy sixteen crates of Be Mine candy hearts, they don’t care if you’re doing it to show your appreciation for your girlfriend, or because she demanded a box of only yellow ones and now you have to pick through eight tons of hearts to get her this one present cuz she’s a conniving bitch, or because you like the fizzy noise they make in the bathtub. Don’t blame stores for cheapening emotion. Blame the bastards who buy into it.

What’s so horrible about giving or getting a present just because it’s a certain date? If it was really something to apologize for, Christmas would be an awkward fucking holiday.

If you’re getting a present, you’re getting a present! Presents = good. Take it and shut up! If you’re giving a present, good for you. You did something unselfish and tried to make someone feel good. And even if you only did it hoping to get laid, hey, maybe you will and maybe you won’t. If you do, good things. Congrats. If you don’t, it’s your own fault for getting your hopes up and thinking that your significant other would whore themselves to you for a box of heart-shaped candy.
Which brings me to the number one reason people bitch on Valentine’s Day and put themselves at risk of being stabbed in the neck with a fork for being such an annoying asshole: loneliness.

See above re: the old jealousy factor. Stop being so selfish. So you’re lonely. Big fucking deal! Everyone’s lonely at some point. I’m lonely right this very second, but I don’t bitch and whine about how no one loves me, what a world, what a world. Just because I’m not getting any doesn’t mean I think the rest of the world should be depressed and isolated and kept from their loved ones just to make me feel better.

Let me clue you in on something here. Are you paying attention? Good. Sometimes, children, other people have things that we don’t and that makes us sad because it’s unfair.

LIFE! IS! NOT! FAIR!

Stop being so selfish. So there’s a holiday that reminds you that you have no significant other. Boo fucking hoo. Get over yourself, the whole world isn’t going to stop celebrating the good things about their lives just because you can’t find even one positive aspect to focus on.

Here’s a solution and it’s even a legitimate, curse-word-free one. If you don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/whatever to be with on Valentine’s Day… do something for someone else! Oh, my God, you mean I can give my friends or family presents or cards on Valentine’s Day?! Who knew? Better yet, give a flower or card to a complete stranger. Stop the bitching epidemic in its tracks!

If you’re going to protest Valentine’s Day, do it silently, would you? Don’t ruin it for everyone else. Chances are, at least some of them have to be celebrating for the right reasons and if they’re doing them for what you consider the wrong reasons, tough shit. It’s not your call to decide right and wrong for other people. You don’t like it, fine. Don’t celebrate. Boycott Hallmark. Hold an anti-Valentine’s Day party; those are usually really fun if you get the right guests there. Get a fucking hobby or something, but just stop the madness! Stop being such a pessimistic moron. Shut. Up.

I like Valentine’s Day and, incidentally, I went liked it during my boyfriendless years too. You know why I like it? Cuz it represents hope. Cuz it gives people a chance to have a good time in the middle of the shittiest month of the year. Because it promotes positivity and love.

Not to mention that the upshot of all this is that on February 15th there’s a clearance sale in the candy aisle. Where’s the downside?





* This list compiled by V’s Bureau Of Made-Up Statistics.

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