Failure Bread

• 1) It is the coolest-looking motherfucker I’ve ever seen. ‘Sin City’ puts the comic book back in ‘comic book movie’. Take every movie you’ve ever seen that you thought had awesome visual effects and chuck it out the window, cuz ‘Sin City’ blows it all away. Filmed in black and white, with only certain details colored in, it wins the award for staying true to its visual roots. Plus it makes Elijah Wood look mad scary and it’s so cool when the blood comes out all white and shit.
• 2) There are gun-toting, man-killing, kung-fu-fighting prostitutes. Even though they voted Rosario Dawson the leader instead of the ass-kicking Asian chick, they’re still badass. I almost wish I was a hooker with a gun.
• 3) Seriously, every character is bloody crazy. This guy with a gun sticking right out of his head starts talking to Clive Owen, like, “Hey, mate, I think you should kill this cop and blow some shit up and maybe play Sirius Black in the next Harry Potter movie,” and Clive Owen’s like, “You’re dead. Shut up.” And then he slams the brakes real hard and the guy gets wedged into the dashboard and the cop doesn’t even notice! It’s mad cool. Plus this guy who looks like the Thing goes around for the first forty-five minutes just knocking the shit out of every single person he meets while he eats pills like candy. And don’t even ask about Elijah Wood and the priest.
• 4) Bruce Willis kicks ass. Can I just say that no matter how many years and shitty movies have passed since ‘Die Hard’ that Bruce Willis is still the baddest man alive? No shit, check this out, Bruce Willis is chasing this bad guy, on his last day on the job no less, and all of a sudden he has a heart attack. Now any normal guy would be like, ‘Sorry, chickie, just cross your legs real tight, cuz I’m dying here,’ but oh, no, not Bruce Willis. You think something as minor as a heart attack can stop him? Ha. HA! You fools, Bruce Willis got up and chased the bad guy some more, then he gets beat up and shot a few hundred times, and he STILL manages to shoot the bad guy’s dick off, knock out his asshole partner, and save the skank-in-training in distress. Is that all? you ask. Hell no, bitches. Later, he saves himself from hanging by cutting the rope with his feet. Fuck Rasputin, Bruce Willis is truly the man who would not die. And as if that weren’t cool enough, he finds the bad guy who’s gone all orange, beats the living hell out of him, and then… Hang on and take a breath, cuz the coolness of what I’m about to tell you might make you a little light-headed. You ready? Okay, here goes.

BRUCE WILLIS RIPS AN ORANGE FREAK’S DICK CLEAN OFF WITH HIS BARE HANDS!!!