Failure Bread

Oh, my God, three updates in one day?!  I spoil you…

I have a problem with the petition to make St. Patrick’s Day a national holiday.  Basically, this says to me that there are too many people out there who not only feel the need to drink for twenty-four straight hours, but also want it to be government-sanctioned so that their boss can’t give them shit when they come to work hungover the next day.

Listen, if you want to be drunk, stupid, and reeking of vomit all day and night, that’s fine.  But why not call the holiday by what it really is?  You’re not celebrating the saint named Patrick.  You’re not celebrating Irish culture, unless you really and truly believe that the only two laudable things that ever happen in Ireland are drinking and fighting.  And if you do believe that, please go to Ireland and get eaten by a banshee cuz you’re a fucking moron.

When you think about it, it’s pretty ballsy of Americans, natives of the land that invented the WWE and beer pong, to imply that the true meaning of being Irish is to get bombed on cheap beer and get in a fight with a bouncer.  The 20ish per cent of me that’s Irish?  Yeah, she’s pretty insulted by that.

Here’s a country that gave us James Joyce, the Cranberries, Oscar Wilde, the hypodermic needle, Halloween before it was all Spongebob costumes and “fun-sized” candies, and Liam frigging Neeson.  And yet, every St. Patrick’s Day, millions of Americans manage to forget any actual cultural contributions, in order to get shitfaced in the name of Irish culture without distraction.

And even if you do try and make the lame excuse that you’re just celebrating the patron saint of Ireland by raising a pint in his name, tell me, who exactly was St. Patrick?  If you don’t know, then stop pretending to be intellectual and just drink up.  We like you better when you’re passed out on the floor, you pretentious jerk.

In case you’re wondering, St. Patrick was a British missionary, arguably most famous for his de-snake-ifying of Ireland.  Now since Ireland is an island with no native snake species, what the legend of St. Patrick chasing all the serpents from Ireland really means is that he banished all the native pagan beliefs up to and including Druidic practices that had been in place for thousands of years, to make way for Christianity.  Yes.  You read that right.  The patron saint of Ireland was British dude who chased away all the native Irish culture.*

So let’s be honest.  You’re not petitioning for St. Patrick’s Day.  You don’t want a nationally accepted St. Patrick’s Day.  You’re not celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.  What you’re celebrating is Get Drunk And Act Like A Jackass Day, but that doesn’t look as nice at the top of your forwarded e-mail petition, does it?





*When I learned this, I immediately regretted wearing green every year to score free ice cream from Stewart’s.  Rob said, “So how did it taste?  Did it taste like… heresy?!”  The answer is, “Yes, if heresy tastes like delicious cookie dough.”