Failure Bread

I know that pretty much every snarky bitch on earth has beaten me to this particular punch, but I have to come out and say it.  I can’t keep it inside any longer.

I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK AT A ROLLING DOUGHNUT ABOUT JON AND KATE AND THEIR BEASTLY FARCE OF A MARRIAGE!!!

I don’t!  Why the fuck should I?  They’re a couple of obviously sub-human twatwaffles who thought that the best way to cement the stability and intimacy of their family life was to broadcast it to the entire country.  The only thing they forgot to factor into the equation* is that doing that automatically makes you a shitty parent.  I can’t believe that neither of these mouth-breathing whores has a family member close enough to them to point out that becoming a reality television star is just one step below stapling things to yourself for money on the scale of Shameful Ways To Make A So-Called Living.**

Now, when I hear about people with lots of kids, I am less than impressed.  Half the old ladies I work with come from double-digit families; that’s the way it used to be before the Pill, back when you could reasonably expect your kids to do their share on the family farm without calling CPS because they’d rather be playing with an Xbox they neither earned nor deserve.  Admittedly, having five or six of them at one time is pretty remarkable, and in that case, I might ponder to myself, “Self, what do you think it’s like living in a household like that?  That must require some hella good parenting.”

And I’d be right.  To successfully raise eight children, especially multiple births, takes some hella good parenting.  And the first rule of hella good parenting is to NOT SELL YOUR CHILDREN’S SOULS TO THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL!  Putting your small children on display like the goddamned bearded lady automatically disqualifies you from candidacy for decent parenthood and turns you into someone I don’t think should be allowed to broadcast their stupidity to the rest of this mush-headed, impressionable country.

Think about your childhood.  Think of the fits, the fights, the potty-training accidents, the millions of small embarrassments, and the rare few horrifically shameful times that your whole family silently agreed to never mention again.

Now imagine that there’s a digital video record of all of that.  And not only that, but just by Googling, any sicked-out pervert in the world can view it in detail.  Imagine being in like, eighth grade and having the class bully print out a hundred copies of your five-year-old self crying in a jewelry store because Mom had the audacity to bring your teddy bear on your ear-piercing excursion.***   What then, Jon and Kate, what fucking then?  You think your kids are nightmarish little brats now (and let’s all just face it, they are)?  Just you wait till they’re the laughing stock of their school and they know exactly who to blame.

So no.  I don’t give a shit if Jon cheated or Kate’s emotionally frigid or if they each secretly sucked off a Baldwin brother.  Their marriage was already a joke, from the moment they decided to turn their lives and their almost-innocent children’s lives into a publicity stunt.  That’s what happens.  Kate seems like the type to obsessively follow tabloids and reality TV; doesn’t she notice that this is always what happens?!

But this is good, actually.  Because maybe if they break up they won’t bring eight more little morons into the world.  The thing about this situation that I really hate, the thing that really pisses me off, is that I hear about this nonsensical soap opera…

…on CNfuckingN.  CNN the news station.

THIS IS NOT NEWS!  Idiots break up every single day!  Why is the station that is supposed to be bringing me up-to-the-minute coverage of important world events that actually affect my life telling me about a couple of blue-bus-riding fame junkies who just can’t make it work?

I don’t care!  Stop trying to make me care about silliness, CNN, and do your goddamn job!

*Which I’m guessing was something like: Jon + Kate + 8 = money, money, money, free diapers, money, money, money.

**And only one tiny step above making an Amazon wishlist and webcamming your tits all day long.

***Speaking of good parenting, that little brat needs a good smack.  If I talked to my parents the way some of these kids talk to theirs, I’d have been ass-kicked from one room to the next till I learned a little respect.

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