Failure Bread

I don’t have enough material* for a full article today, so I thought I’d just get a few short things off my chest in the form of highly-cathartic unsent letters.  Enjoy!

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Dear Jamie,

I didn’t watch Repo Man even though I had a perfect opportunity tonight, because I left it at home instead of in my car.  I promise I will soon.  Please don’t send me a letterbomb or anything.

Love,

V

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Dear Pants-On-Head Retarded** Burger King Employee,

Take a chicken cutlet.  Now take a chicken sandwich bun.  Hold them side by side.  Notice anything?  Like, oh, say, that they are the same shape?  Now think back, way back to when you were just a very tiny disappointment to your worried parents, learning to stack blocks.  Did the tower stand up better when you stacked blocks of the same shape on top of each other?  It did?  Imagine that!  Now I know you probably already hate your life, but allow me to introduce more misery by pointing out that today when you made my sandwich, you failed a skill that most functionally intelligent people learn at age three!  The fucking chicken fits perfectly onto the bun, and yet instead of stacking them neatly, you handed me a literally half-unwrapped bun with a perpendicular chicken shoved into it!  Garnished with a green tomato!

Congratulations, mouth-breather.  My dinner was subpar.  I hope you know who you’ve pissed off.

Fuck Off And Die Cuz You’re A Lazy Moron,

V

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Dear Sean and Megan,

I less-than-three you both.  Please stop calling while I’m carnally engaged.

Love,

V

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Dear Adult Swim,

Bring back Space Ghost, okay?

V

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Dear Today.com,

Please stop reformatting my paragraphs.  I took out the horizontal rules that confused you so much, what more do you want?  Fuckers.

V

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*Snerk.

**It’s a link, Lenny.  Go back and click the stars and I’ll give you a pet mouse.  A soft one.