Failure Bread

Hello, loyal and patient readers.  I stand before you today a humbled writer; today I must do that which I had hoped I would never have to do.  I must apologize for a mistake.

I told myself when I got into this crazy business that I wouldn’t be one of those, “Meh, good enough,” bloggers.  My posts might not be the most eloquent.  They might not be about the most intellectually stirring subject matter.  But at least I would strive for accuracy and sense.

Well, apparently, I suck at that.  As my sister pointed out to me,* there’s a mistake in my ‘Twilight’ rant.  Apparently, there is a reason Vampy McWhinesalot cannot read his cardboard lover’s vapid mind.**   As my sister explains it, “You know how some of the vampires have powers?  Well, their powers are like a super version of how they acted before they were vampires.  Turns out that Bella also has a power - she has like, this shield thing, which explains not only why Edward can’t read her mind, but also why Jane can’t do her pain-inflicting thing to her.  Once she goes all vampy in the last book, she ends up shielding other people too since it becomes more powerful all vamped up.”***

The reason I didn’t know this is because I got fed up with the series after the first three books failed to be the key to Nirvana, as my friends had assured me it would.  I never read the fourth one, but I went out on a limb and assumed that the writing and storytelling would be just as subpar in that volume as it had been in all the others.

So yeah.  All snarkiness aside, I fucked up.  I’ll try to do better from now on.****

Anyshit, with all that out of the way, I can tell you about my real topic for this evening: Michael Phelps, and how if I cared any less about his Deadhead ways, it would create a black hole of apathy, into which we would all be sucked, where we would quickly suffocate and die, much like I wish most of the sensationalizing asshole members of the news media would do.

Why does everybody care about Michael Phelps toking up?  Why is this a big deal?  Is this really the most important thing we have to talk about, with all the shit going on in the world?  WHY IS THIS AN ISSUE?!

Dude.  Michael Phelps?  Yeah, he’s a college student.  And guess what?  Olympiad or not, sometimes college students experiment with drugs.  Why?  Cuz they’re there.  Cuz they’re fun.*****  Cuz who the fuck cares why, it’s been a fact of life since pot came to this country (by our founding fathers, if I remember right, who grew it as a multifunctional cash crop for ages before it was outlawed).

For one thing, without the intention of turning this into a pro-ganja manifesto, it’s total bureaucratic nonsense that marijuana is illegal in a country where both alcohol and cigarettes are legal.  For another, why do all these middle-aged assholes think they have the right to judge a kid for doing something they all did themselves back before they sold their souls to The Man and started wearing ugly suits everyday?

And don’t give me that bullshit about Michael Phelps being a role model for children.  That’s just stupid.  Seriously, even if he was a total straight edge, do you want this goofy bastard being the one your kids look up to?

God, he’s dumb-looking guy.  What do you want your idiot kids to look up to this guy for?

On a serious note, parents and other self-righteous watchdogs need to stop forcing the “role model” tag on every person in the public eye.  “Role model” is just an acceptable way to say, “I’m too lazy to teach my kids how to act myself, so I’ll make everyone else responsible for it.”  To paraphrase the great George Carlin, if your kid’s got a role model and you aren’t it, you’ve got some serious problems.  Stop making your children’s shitty behavior everyone else’s fault.  Maybe if you stopped treating your kids like every day is Christmas, they would learn some boundaries and life lessons from you, not some vague Speedo-wearing figure on the television.  Raise your own kids, you lazy mouthbreathers!

And even if using some popular face as a scapegoat for your own shitty parenting weren’t a completely heinous (and ever overlooked) form of neglect, why in the name of everything holy would you want your kids to emulate some dumbass athlete?  “I want little Jimmy to be just like Michael Phelps because he swims fast?”  Are you kidding me?!  What the hell good is that going to do little Jimmy out in the real world?  If you’re going to force your kids to be something they’re not because you’re too busy being their bestest buddy to actually teach them how to behave like a human being of worth, why not encourage them to be like someone with a talent that’s useful more than once every four years?  Why not point them in the direction of a mathemetician, so they know how to handle money and balance a checkbook?  Why not point them toward scientists, humanitarians, volunteer workers, teachers?  Celebrities are the dumbest, most useless, and least functional percentage of the human population, and yet they’re all our children should aspire to be?  That’s messed up.

Let’s review.  If you are really and truly hurt by the fact that Michael Phelps got caught hitting a bong, and especially if you feel he should be punished more severely than your own kid would because he’s a so-called “example to our youth,” then you are a God damned moron.  Please choke on your tongue and remove yourself from the gene pool.

*To her infinite credit, in a very not “I told you so” tone.

**She’s an X-Man.

***Sounds semi-reasonable, although I still have a hard time buying that Bella’s piddly human ability is still able to thwart Edward’s supersonic vamp ability.  Sorry.

****But no, I will not be reading the fourth ‘Twilight’ book.  I’m not that committed to excellence.

*****Drugs are bad, mkay?  I don’t advocate the doing of drugs anywhere you might get caught and arrested.